ROAD MAP*:
the Menu explained in detail
*NOTE for Younger Visitors:
Physical maps were useless when searching for the nearest Bojangles. Maps couldn’t speak or do even simple calculations. The best maps were stiff, waterproof, and shiny—all helpful traits in dentures.
Cheaper, folded maps were easily destroyed by coconut suntan oil or by a toddler expelling chili. Unfolded maps often confounded users when trying to return them to their original configuration. For some, this task was a leap into madness.
First, YOU ARE HERE. Sometimes, we just need to be reminded.
MENU NOTE: Three lines that resemble forehead wrinkles are actually an ancient symbol that meant “Website Menu” thousands of years ago and are still in use today. If you touch this, the Menu appears.
EXIT 3: WHAT?
Think Jeopardy—a show at 7:00 P.M. (two hours after dinner and a half-hour before bedtime). Tidbits about aging or anything imaginable goes here and is updated weekly.
EXIT 4A: NAP
Self-explanatory. Feel free to turn off any device and do that. No one will blame you.
EXIT 4B: NATURAL
Natural health tips will be posted here. If you’re deceased, these tips will not apply to you and will, in fact, seem banal and inconsequential.
EXIT 5: OLD DATING
As self-explanatory as Nap. Old Dating gets updates, too, unlike the bodies involved.
Extroverts are welcome to send a you-go-girl comment or a funny, personal story about aging to the site, to appear on the OTHERS SPEAK page. If sending a story, please send a personal one, instead of stories from printed material or from your fellow inmates or patients. If you’re aging, trust that your life is funny enough.
Think clean, in the sense that you could repeat your comment/story to royalty during tea at the Palace…or to your five-year-old granddaughter, who would shout it in a grocery store or to clergy. Unkind, uncensored, unwholesome, unequivocally unwelcome comments will not appear on the site but might be forwarded from us to your mother (bless her soul), who is 105 and still wants to be proud of you. They might also be incinerated with delete-by-fire.
If you have a comment/story to share, please click TOUCH IN in the Menu!
EXIT 7: TOUCH IN
TOUCH IN is simply another term for the CONTACT page. A TOUCH IN or CONTACT page involves no actual tactile, verbal or spiritual contact. It’s forbidden. Personal contact went out years ago, when phones were thought of as speaking devices. “Touch In” is phrased that way to make visitors feel less alienated.
